Do what makes you happy

Today I went to lunch with friends. I had calculated a series of problems I might encounter. I knew I had to hide behind an image of myself that they have. An image that doesn’t correspond to my present. Something I’m used to.

I had forgotten that during my last attempts to enjoy moments with a group of people, I had felt unwell. When I arrived, I started talking and playing with my friends' children as I would have normally done years ago.

After about half an hour from my arrival, I began to feel disconnected from them. Dissociation started to take over. I began to lose myself. I couldn’t follow what they were saying. As always, I tried to resist. To stop feeling free.

Then the sensation worsened. The feeling of not being present and the headaches piled up, and I faded away. I tried to cook my lunch, different from theirs because I can’t eat what others eat. I’m intolerant to a number of products, including gluten and lactose, and I have to be very careful. But while cooking, I started to feel dizzy.

My feet were no longer on the floor; they were on the deck of a ship, and my head was no longer calm. I began to feel nauseous. Stronger and stronger. I didn’t have lunch and sat down at the table. I could see them talking and joking among themselves, but I couldn’t understand what they were saying. I was arriving late. Losing track of time. A friend later told me it was the same feeling he had when he lived abroad. He couldn’t keep up with others; he was constantly losing pieces.

It was the same for me. I tried to explain what I felt, but it’s very difficult for anyone to empathize with something they can’t see. I limited myself to staying there. I didn’t want to leave. I think if I had gone home, I would have cried. But it’s still sad to think that the moments when I could have been a driving force are moments when I limit myself to surviving.

I know these are challenges like many others I've faced over the years. Challenges that can help me grow and give me the opportunity to experience perspectives that wouldn’t be mine otherwise. Today, once again, I learned to be humble and not expect to be the center of attention. But it’s difficult to stay with a smile on the sidelines of a group of friends. Just being present. Nothing more.

I felt like those elderly people at parties who don’t participate; you see them on the sidelines of the celebration. You wonder what they think. You wonder if they’re having fun. Today, I'd say yes. Even though it saddens me to have been just a spectator.

It bothered me that they were taking photos and videos. Now they’re sending those photos in our WA group chat. I think I won’t look at them; they'll likely remain archived in WA's memory but nothing more than that. I could send messages in that group just to lose them in the history.

It saddens me to think about how much I'm missing out on life. How many opportunities and experiences are slipping away. I'm glad about how hard I have to work to stay connected with those who knew me before all that I've suffered or encountered in recent years. I'm proud of everything I feel for others because of what makes me unwell.

I like that for them, I'm someone nice to talk to. Maybe smoking a cigarette on the balcony before going back inside. I'm on that balcony in the sun not because I want to be there but because I can't be in the chaos of a party.

The consequences are many. I don’t know how in the coming years I'll find a work life that is almost always certain for the people I know. I don’t know what I'll be able to do; I'm aware that there are so many limits that reinventing myself once again like I've done over the last five years will be complicated.

A friend told me while we were talking that he is proud of me. It struck me that my new quest to understand how to react to all my problems would be impossible for him; he wouldn’t manage it and envies this ability of mine. Once again, I'm taking for granted something that isn't so simple.

I don’t want to reduce myself just to survive off what little there is. I don’t want merely to find a way to keep going despite everything. I want the best for myself; I want to know I've done everything possible.

His son's shirt said: "Do what makes you happy." That’s what I've always tried to do without settling for less. Not so much chasing an unattainable dream but trying to live off what makes me happy.

At this moment, what makes me happy is knowing I'm helping others not settle. To find their own path despite what life might want for them. Often, people around us suggest we give up. To settle for well-being. 

Being well for them means being reasonable. Maybe I'm not reasonable. Perhaps I'm someone who foolishly believes in the utopia of living as one truly is. 

Yes, maybe I'm foolish. But that's okay too.